For anyone who’s played minor league baseball, you know what a bus is. For those of you who haven’t, or simply don’t know, a bus takes you from one city to another, different city. It fits all your teammates and and coaches, and the radio guy gets his own seat for some reason. Busses have a bus driver. He’s usually named Chip and he can be trusted to beat his company’s drug testing system.
Some bus trips can take twelve hours. Other trips can take only two–but these short trips suck on account of you don’t get a hotel after the game, just another bus ride back home. The perfect length for a bus trip is four hours, but the average is six–just enough time to watch two movies. Below are the four best movies to watch on the bus.
This is a movie about Mark Wahlberg. He’s in the mountains, and the government shows up–they need him to shoot someone. Turns out the government sets him up, but Mark Wahlberg escapes by falling through a bunch of windows and limping away. He (Mark Wahlberg) then spends the rest of the movie dismantling the United States Government, just a man and his gun. This is a great movie. You get Wahlberg in the arctic camo, the jungle camo, the face-paint camo, and even the desert camo in an Iraq flashback sequence. I’m not sure what the stakes are, but they seem high. 5/5
2) Olympus has Fallen
This is a bad movie to watch at 2:00 AM while you are trying to sleep. The main character is a B52 bomber retrofitted with gatling guns that parks above the White House and shoots it with depleted uranium until the whole thing blows up. Aaron Eckhart is the president and he gets stuck in the underground bunker with Condoleezza Rice, and the bad guys are Chinese, which is nice to see; you don’t see a ton of that these days, and I think I speak for the movie-watching audience writ large when I say I have Chechen rebel exhaustion, as well as Ukrainian separatist fatigue–Give me the slick and handsome, Western educated Chinese guy who gives America a healthy dose of her own favorite export, shot from the rotating barrel of a gatling gun, coming out the side of a B52 like a pirate ship. Very well executed.
In the B plot, Gerard Butler has a job–kind of seems beneath his station, seems like he used to be a secret service agent. Somehow he gets trapped in the White House, but not in the safe room. He’s out there in the ducts and the hallways basically picking off bad guys while Aaron Eckhart tries to figure out which one of his cabinet members set all this bullshit in motion. Again, this movie is way too loud, however. 3/5
3) The Equalizer
Denzel is bald. He runs with a skinny white chick who seems a little too young for him, but she’s got dark hair and purple lipstick so you figure she knows how to handle herself.
Denzel works at Home Depot. A white crackhead robs his cash register and later that day Denzel becomes the Home Depot batman. He grabs some tools from the back and finds the guy’s house and fucks him up, gets the loot back, etc… This little episode gives Denzel a taste for (white) blood and he busts up some more bad guys in the form of a Russian crime syndicate. It’s possible they’re Italian, but my gut tells me Russian–lot of tank tops, lot of jewelry. Not sure if Denzel smashes the little white chick or adopts her, but either way this is a good movie. 4/5
This is a movie about how shredded Jake Gyllenhaal is. Jake Gyllenhaal is freaking shredded. He benefits from some good overhead lighting, but there’s no need to qualify, in any capacity, the fact that Jake G is shredded in this movie. He’s shredded. And not only is he shredded, but ripped. He’s an absolute monster. The only hiccup is that his wife gets shot in the gut at a fundraising gala. This is somewhat out of the blue, and it motives Jake Gyllenhaal to get even more shredded. He spends a lot of time working out, and in the end, despite other guys trying to hit him in the face during theatrical sequences (with great lighting), he achieves his goal (and this movie’s goal), of having Jake Gyllenhaal be extremely shredded. 3/5