With a Backstreet Boy headset and access to just one psychological study, you too, can give a TED Talk.
I’m not sure the selection process for giving a TED talk–but surely it’s:
- Do you have a headset?
- Can it be taped to your face?
- Do you have access to a psychological study?
Outstanding. Go tell people how to think. We will film it from three different camera angles.
“Look to the stage. I’m on it. It’s tastefully lit. Have you heard about the field mice who struck a powerful pose each morning? They found the cheese 50 percent faster. Let that sink in. Don’t believe me? Look at my position in space. I am up here, on a stage. Look at my face: a microphone is taped directly to it. Now do your power pose while you watch another TED Talk”.
Once past the TED vetting process, you’ll need a speech. This will require:
- 1 self deprecating joke
- 1 refrain
- 1 personal failure
- 1 anecdote
- 1 weird trick
- 2 hand gestures
The joke should go first. After the payoff, as the room settles, introduce your first hand gesture. It will look like you are holding a joint a foot and a half away from your face.
Next the anecdote. This should be narrow, specific, and globally allegorical.
Introduce the refrain and repeat it ad nauseam. It should be simple and sound like this: “Body language is language”. It’s also time for hand gesture number two. Properly executed, this will look like you’ve chosen ‘paper’ in a game of rock paper scissors.
Act one fun time is over. Introduce a swift and catastrophic personal failure.
Now, the cornerstone of your TED Talk — a psychological study. Your entire worldview hinges on this study, so do not forget to do this part. It can be any study done at any time.
Next it’s your ‘one weird trick’, which is also your thesis, and the means to your success. After introducing this trick, you can just wing it–but remember to take it serious–someone will live their life by this.
Here are some people who would give a great Ted Talk:
- Ted Bundy
- Pol Pot
- David Miscavige
- Young Republicans Club
- Robert Oppenheimer
None of these people should be giving speeches.
Toxoplasmosis (the name-brand cat’s-ass parasite) works to create crazy cat ladies who nurture more cats, who harbor more parasites.
TED Talks are much the same. They target people with an itch to better themselves. Then TED provides the means to do so, which is more TED Talks. It’s a Möbius strip of YouTube clicks.
So what do TED Talks actually generate?
- Homogenous thought processes
- Shallow explanations
- Interesting explanations
- Accessable explanations
- Ad revenue
In summary, don’t watch these things. Be wary of hands-free microphones. Stay out of litter boxes.